no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
