If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize