Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
