We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im six kinds of drunk right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
