So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
