lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
North Korea, Best Korea!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
