Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
