My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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