I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
