tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
