Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
