Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
