people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
