Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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