I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
