i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
