I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
my liver is dry heaving
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
