and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize