i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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