I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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