at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
