If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
