You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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