So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
