my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize