I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
