Operation Purity has been aborted
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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