Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize