Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
