New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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