she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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