im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
