I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
