Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
