I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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