The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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