Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
