I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
