I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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