I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
