what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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