I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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