Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
