Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
