Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
