i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
