the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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