I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
