I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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