rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
