it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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