I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
