when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
