nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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