Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You ruined the universe
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