And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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