I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
