What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
