You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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