I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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