does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
