Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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