I need to stop coming to work sober
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
