Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
